


The Misadventures of Minato Namikaze

by domake



Category: Naruto
Genre: Adopted!Orochimaru, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Humor, Itachi is sassy, M/M, Probably not too OOC, Trolling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2019-06-06 00:00:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15182249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/domake/pseuds/domake
Summary: In their old age, Tobirama and Madara have decided to troll everyone and essentially make life hard for most of the ninjas in Konohagakure (as well as some shinobi from other villages).[Partly inspired by blackkat’s ‘How not to adopt a child’]





	1. Prologue

A thought had taken root inside Madara’s mind and festered. It had been sowed by a chunin’s whisper that he should act in a manner befitting his age. (Ha! He must have forgotten that a shinobi’s ears are always sharp. He’s not that old.)

 

Brief glimpses of the elder folk of Konoha during his walk home from the mission room nourished the idea. He was able to see something that he had overlooked before.

 

A man with skin and nails tinted yellow with age, hollered at some taunting children. The teasing and often, blunt comments of retired shinobi which made dark red embarrassment flood to the surface on their victim’s faces. Madara thought and he thought. If anyone asked his husband about this new development, he would dryly respond that a thinking Madara would not bode well for anyone. Then, a rush of water would expel them from the room for having asked such an inane question.

….

Surrounded by fondly-held memories of his family’s milestones, Madara startled awake. The house shuddered after having felt his involuntarily-made chakra wave. The picture frames of his chaotic family members rattled precariously before stilling.

“Mada?” sleepily murmured his husband. Tobirama’s poppy-red eyes gleamed in the darkness. Something wailing inside Madara seemed to still at the face of his husband’s concern and a gentle touch on his forearm. That tortured thing was still there (it always was present in the back of his mind) but the softer self of the Uchiha came to the surface.

 

The lines on Madara’s face curved happily as his new plan came to mind.

 

“Hey, Tobi”, Madara cheekily greeted. A wiggle of Madara’s eyebrows just made his husband sigh in resignation which was a bit insulting. Only most of his plans failed. Some of them succeeded. For instance, the village of his dreams was able to be built!

 

“So I was thinking”, he continued.

 

Tobirama instantly turned away from the source of all troubles in the universe. The former Uchiha head forged on, “You and I have been feeling bored, right? So let’s buy a new house! A new change of scenery and neighbours will help us get out of this drab routine we’ve found ourselves in.”

 

He recognised that long-suffering face on his beloved. That one meant ‘I-will-totally-regret-this-but-okay’. Being a ninja involved strategically asking one’s spouse if they can do unreasonable things together while the thoughts in their loved one’s mind revolved getting more sleep at the time. Having finally gotten permission, Madara settled back under his favourite blanket (that his cute grandson proudly made for his birthday) and kicked his husband’s leg for trying to steal his pillow. Again.


	2. Chapter 1

It started with a rumour.

 

Just a single rumour. If it was only about the recent move of Madara Uchiha and Tobirama Senju-Uchiha, then the shinobi would not have blinked an eyelash at the new gossip. However, the unbelievable nature of the villager’s whispers was enough for it to sink its claws into the curiosity of Konoha’s shinobi.

 

A few genin and chunin decided to discover the truth behind the recent buzz on the streets. Their psyche (and pride) were not left intact after their misadventure. Needless to say, the jonin sector emitted waves of amusement for the next few days following the unfortunate trauma that their subordinates experienced. Civilians dived out into bushes to get out of the way of amused jonins like there was a fire lapping at their clothes. The civilians were certain that something that could make Morino Ibiki delighted and lessen his stony exterior did not bode well for their poor souls.

 

Obviously, Jiraiya lacked survival instincts. After the whispers had reached his web of spies, he decided that he was on the case to find the truth and only the truth! This is despite the fact that there were other better things that he could have done during his rare visit to Konoha like visiting the women’s bathhouse. But he was a curious ninja who wanted to know what his teammate’s parents were up to.

….

Jiraiya gazed at the streaks of amber that chased away the blue in the sky. How strange. He would’ve have thought that it was still the early morning. The uncomfortable feeling of the uneven road itched inside his mind. He had no idea how he ended up on the ground.

 

The last thing he could remember in his foggy mind was his attempt to walk on the Uchiha-Senju power couple’s lawn while ignoring the sign that clearly shouted to the world to “Keep off the lawn”. A light seared his eyes and he was expelled off the property. His teammates have always complained about Jiraiya’s determination and how it has always led them to ridiculous adventures. They think that his determination is one of his worst and best faults. He personally believes that it’s one of his best assets. After all, his determination drove him to test the wooden boundaries of paradise and share racy pleasure in ink with other like-minded people. Either way, a simple expulsion from a lawn will not deter him. So he sauntered onto the lawn multiple times with increasingly hilarious results.

 

….He probably should’ve heeded the sign.

 

Shinobi and civilians alike delighted in the suffering of the Toad Sannin which clung to his appearance as he hobbled the way home. He should not have forgotten the infamous tale of the infamous prank war between Madara and Tobirama which brought the Uchiha and Senju together.

 

A majority of women in Konoha would say that Jiraya’s pain at the unforgiving hands of the Uchiha-Senju couple was well-earned. Very well-earned.

 

Coincidentally, Jiraiya was unable to purchase certain hair dye products and prank treatments from several businesses for the next few days. It was also a stroke of luck that businessmen in Konoha were wonderfully persuaded by their spouses to see the light during that time. Jiraiya was forced to hide his appearance behind a henge for longer than he would have liked.

….

Being a Hokage involves being the source of strength in the village. When Minato become inaugurated as the leader of Konohagakure, he had expectations of what he was expected to do. It involved his office being a shrine dedicated to paperwork, coming home to the refreshing site of his beloved wife and child along with occasional complaining sessions with his fellow classmates.

 

With a rising sense of dread, Minato eyed his door. His sensitive ears perked up at the sounds of thunderous stomping, something which does not bode well for his sanity. He recognised the sounds of chaos that only the Toad Sannin could cause. He was not prepared to deal with this.

 

The door banged open and his teacher strolled in like a stampede. Minato knew that he was coming and stayed in harm’s way because he was a professional Hokage who needs to deal with the stupidity of his teacher.

 

“Sup, brat”, Jiraiya boomed. “Let’s test the very limits of our imagination and creativity! Go where no man has ever gone before and survived! Succeed where others have failed!”

 

“I’m not accompanying you to peek on the women’s bathhouse on the main walkway. I’m a married man”, deadpanned Minato.

 

“How ridiculous. To think that I would ask you to peek on only _one_ bathhouse. I would bring you to peak on _all_ the bathhouses in Konoha. Ahem. Anyway, I want to train you and keep your skills sharp now that you’re among the big leagues. Have I ever told you how proud I am of you right now?”

 

“No. Not doing it”, replied Minato. His words were hastily tripping over each other to escape out of his mouth. “I don’t want to know. You only ever compliment me when you want something really bad that will come at my expense.”

 

“How boring. To think that you’ve become such a dull and respectable person. You should live life. Get out some more. Perhaps you should go outside and inspect your village. See the people.”

 

“That sounds like a wonderful idea!” Minato sarcastically exclaimed. “I’ll just have to do it tomorrow.”

 

Minato instantly shuddered as he saw a sharp gleam in his teacher’s eyes. “I hope you remember that I have….some incriminating information that I am certain that Kushina would love to know”, Jiraiya casually responded while cleaning out his ear. “She would love to hear about so much that after she learns about it, she will show her affection towards you through her loving fists.”

 

A flash of fear struck Minato’s mind which caused him to shiver.

 

An hour later, Minato hastily agreed to help the Toad Sannin and ignored his traitorous ANBU’s mirth.

…..

There were a few things in life that Minato regretted. At the moment, he regretted his current predicament. A few moments ago, he was strung upside down with ninja wire, ready to be gutted and slaughtered like a fish. Acting on instinct, his body contorted in a way that mimicked a caterpillar as he avoided various non-lethal yet potentially traumatising projectiles. He failed to avoid some of those projectiles which resulted in the results of defeat plastered over his appearance. It was a good thing that the ninja wire snapped after five minutes of being dangled in the air.

 

The sunny shade of his hair was concealed behind splashes of rainbow and slime that crawled uncomfortably down his body. He was somehow wearing a dress that seemed to accentuate his legs now that he thought about it (which was something that he would rather not know in the first place).

 

One of his ANBU fell off a tree in an unprofessional fit of giggles and hastily tripped over himself as he shushined back into position. He could still see the leaves of the tree which concealed that giggling ANBU shaking with delight. That does it. Dog’s next shift is going to be guarding the ninja academy. His ANBU will experience pain like he’s never felt before at the hands of overeager students hap-hazardously throwing dangerous projectiles everywhere.

 

Also, his back-stabbing teacher is nowhere to be found. The Toad Sannin must have fled after pushing his unsuspecting self onto the lawn.

….

Words were unable to escape Kushina’s mouth. “Would you - would you like me to tie up some of the ribbons on that lolita dress for you?” she wheezed. “I’m afraid those loosely tied ribbons do not give justice to the curves on your body.” Her legs were barely able to stand upright against the brunt of her joy.

 

“How funny.”

 

“I just have to say that I love the headdress you have on your head.” Tears flowed down Kushina’s cheek.

 

“Hmm.”

 

“Aw. Don’t be like that. Look, I have your clothes. Someone kindly left them in front of our house.”

 

As Minato’s hands edged towards his attire, his son had leapt through the kitchen window and crashed into the wall like an overeager puppy. “Hey, Mom, Dad”, Naruto yelled out. “Can I go -“

 

With dread chiselled onto his face, Minato turned to stare at his son who was gaping at him. His brain remembered the old saying that the best way to rid an Uzumaki of their words, even for a few seconds, was to make them shocked to the bone.

 

The kitchen seemed to brighten as his son and Kushina laughed at their beloved (and hilarious) family member.

 

Minato could tell from how their presence kept on being cloaked, revealed and then cloaked again that his ANBU were merrily enjoying their Hokage’s latest adventures.

 

He just closed his eyes in defeat as his reputation was now ruined for all eternity.

….

On another note, Uchiha Izuna was able to miraculously acquire embarrassing photos of the Hokage and the infamous toad sannin. He charged extra for the ones that showed them in compromising and extra humiliating positions. Izuna’s wife, Toka, unmercifully used them as money for the next few weeks. The Hokage tower bore witness to the sight of a red-faced Minato for the following months as he experienced teasing comments and wolf-whistles.

 

Omake:

Kushina could barely string two words together. “Would you - do you like tuna? So they can go with those cat ears.”

 

A furious blush spread on Minato’s face which made Kushina think of tomatoes. “This is not funny”, groused Minato. He endured the weight of absolute humiliation as he waited for his wife to finish laughing.

 

“You know, if you would stop entering the lawn of the two most powerful ninjas in the shinobi world”, Kushina kindly pointed out, “you wouldn’t be experiencing these kinds of interesting costume changes.”

 

Minato’s tail flicked to the side as he gritted his teeth. Reluctantly, he grumbled something to his wife about how Jiraiya kept on convincing him that this would be great training for him.


	3. Chapter 3

Minato realised that his eyebrow wouldn’t stop twitching. He was aware that certain unspoken individuals (and clients) irritated him but this was a whole new level.

 

It started out slowly. A few misheard words here and there. Then, it was whole sentences. Now, they just can’t hear him at all.

 

But they can perfectly hear other people even when they are standing 200 meters from them. (He was honestly freaked out when he realised that they heard the low-key discussion that Kakashi and Anko were having about their beloved literature series. To be honest, those giggles would have glued anyone into the conversation). However, they only can’t understand what _he_ is saying.

 

“I would like to extend an offer to-“, Minato slowly started.

 

“What? Speak up louder, Namikaze!” yelled Madara.

 

Ah. His eyebrow was twitching again. “I would like to -“, Minato vexedly spat out between gritted teeth and a wafer-thin smile.

 

Tobirama smoothly butted in, “A Hokage should not lack the most important diplomatic skill of talking. While softly-spoken words are needed at times, we are of more stronger disposition than those of a certain leader’s generation.” Tobirama’s face was a blank wall that betrayed nothing yet there was a mischievous light that danced in his eyes.

 

His hands slowly twitched towards his Hirashin seals and kunai. No. Must resist the urge. His irritation kept on seductively suggesting that Minato should resort to treason by slaughtering the two banes of his existence. Should not listen. Must endure.

 

Unexpectantly, a drop of water barrelled down from the ceiling onto Minato’s noise. A simple crack preceded the waterfall that gushed down straight on top of the Hokage’s head.

 

“Excuse me for a moment, venerable elders. NARUTO! Come back here!”

 

“Y-you can’t prove it was me, dattebayo!”

 

“Who else could it have been then?” the deathly calm Minato asked; well aware that as the designated ‘strict parent’ that he would need to lecture Naruto. He could also clearly tell from Naruto’s beaming grin that Madara just gave Naruto a thumbs up behind his back. He was surrounded by people that just couldn’t wait to drive him to death at an early age.

 

“I am afraid”, Orochimaru suavely responded as he popped out from behind Naruto, “that I asked our dear Naruto to help me clean the meeting rooms upstairs in preparation for tomorrow. It seems that he overcompensated his chakra output when using the water jutsu that I taught him.”

 

“What? Oh! Yes. I was just doing my bit for the Snake Sanin here.”

 

“You can’t honestly punish your cute and adorable son here for helping out a shinobi in need”, argued Madara.

 

Why was this his life? He just wanted to be Hokage for a few decades and spend the rest of his life in retirement with his wife while his son carried their legacy by protecting their village. Why was his life so weird?

 

“Dad!”

 

“I zoned out for a moment….Sigh. Naruto, I am pleased that you decided to assist Senju-Uchiha here. Just try not to cause so much structural damage the next time you do a good deed for someone?”

 

“I’ll try….”

 

“Bah. This is so boring. Namikaze, when are we going to get the point of this meeting? How can you be Hokage if you can’t even speak loudly enough?”

 

“Oro-chan, do you mind translating for us and tell us what he is saying?” asked Tobirama.

 

“Very well, papa.”

 

Minato cursed all the deities and his teacher. Ever since he was an impressionable young child that was unfortunately handed over to his teacher by some higher beings, he was subtly encouraged to become the leader of Konoha. This would thus liberate Jiraiya of any pressure to be successor to The Professor as well as relieve the Third Hokage of his duties. He dearly regretted having expressed any delight at being the student of the Toad Sannin before he had actually met his teacher.

 

“As the leader of Konoha, I would like to extend an offer for Uchiha Madara and Senju Tobirama to join my counsel and act as my supervisors. I understand that both honourable elders have already retired many years ago and that we have some…personality clashes but I would like to have experienced advisors who would help me solve the murky issues that plague Konoha and undermine the strength of our village.”

 

“Orochimaru, did you get that? All I got was blah-blah-blah.”

 

“I’m his son and I have no idea what the shi-take, shiitake, he actually said.”

 

“Naruto, why are you still here?”

 

“Eh. You haven’t kicked me out yet, dattebayo.”

 

“He basically said that he wants you to do his work for him because you are very, very old and Konoha has almost been destroyed by the past Hokages’ desires to avoid paperwork.”

 

“Why didn’t you say that in the first place? There’s no need to waffle about,” coolly stated Tobirama.

 

“And now you know how to speak to us, Namikaze”, finished Madara.

 

Minato coughed in discomfort. At this point in time, he was absolutely certain that this was a genjutsu and when he broke out of the illusion, he would learn that his entire life was a lie which would be an utter _relief._ Unfortunately, reality was never kind to him. Why couldn’t Orochimaru have become Hokage instead of him? At least he wouldn’t have been given so much grief from the Senju-Uchiha couple.

 

“I think Dad suffers from the same problem as the past Hokages.”

 

“Oh? Do tell, Naruto”, Orochimaru encouraged which added fuel to the flames and poured gasoline all over the hell that is Minato’s life.

 

“Yeah. Dad keeps on losing any paperwork that I need. He lost the forms that he was supposed to hand in on my first day of the academy. I think he used them to doodle his fuinjutsu designs on. I was very lucky that Iruka-sensei gave me a new form and helped me fill it out while dad was frolicked about in the village, dattebayo. Otherwise, I would have never joined the academy.”

 

Oh no. He had forgotten all about that. No wonder Naruto’s babysitter/adopted brother/sensei disapprovingly stared at him for the months that followed his son’s admission into the Academy. People will find out about this and then this incident will be plastered all over Konoha news after today. Kushina was going to kill him. Maybe she’d even deprive him of his fuinjutsu supplies. The horror.


	4. Part 1 out of 2

There were bad days and there were days in which life just dragged a pile of faeces through your front door on your birthday. Minato had experienced a lot of things in life which included (but was not limited to):

  * Forced to be bear witness to a Gai that procreated without actually having a child,
  * Having slid down a Mizukage-made aqua slide that was literally made out of water (the Kages may have been a little bit drunk at the time),
  * and watch all of the Uchihas kindly smile at the Hyuugas while there was a rainbow behind them (he suspected that it may have been caused by a prank, a dare or both).



However, he was able to add many new items to his list of things that he has done today but he would not ever do again even if it would save the world. Tobirama Senju is an unforgiving wrath that can manipulate and bring down to the ground just with a single finger. Holy Sage. You should never cross a line in front of Tobirama Senju.

...

His teacher and himself are fanatics about fuinjutsu. It’s more like his teacher enjoys learning about fuinjutsu while Minato loves pushing the boundaries of seals until he creates a portal to another dimension and then Konoha is forced to fight some tentacle monsters. Eh. To each to their own.

 

He just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t find the solution to his problem and his sensei was admittedly helping just a little bit but nothing was happening fast enough. Jiraiya was the one to call in the big guns after Minato’s sleep deprivation had caused him to crash into the same wall thrice. Tobirama Senju knew seals deep enough to rival those of the Uzumaki clan. Despite the Senju’s complicated relationship with Minato, he was generally kind enough to lend some assistance when it came to research projects.

 

_The air was so dense with dust that Minato could feel it brush against the fine hairs on his forearms. Their dark silhouettes persistently chased after Minato and his teacher on the walls of the corridor._

 

_He had never been here before. He had always actively avoided it when he was a shinobi and even after he became Hokage. There were a lot of subordinates that Minato would happily order for them to inspect the research headquarters. It was well known that the work of the research divisions in each nation was very important and brought forth prosperity for the Elemental Lands.  Everyone was brutally forced to face that fact. For instance, there was that piece of gossip about the researchers in Kirigakure that his sensei had told him a long time ago….._

 

_It was rumoured that the first generation research division in Kirigakure had purposefully exposed the upper ranks in their village to a potent poison due to a crude insult spat out towards one of their beloved members. They didn’t die. They just wished they did. The effects ranged from feeling incredibly itchy for years to attracting a bunch of horny female fish (that kept on laying their eggs all around that confused jonin). Word of their leader’s predicaments spread throughout the hidden village. Soon enough, everyone in Kirigakure learnt a valuable lesson. Never insult the research division for staying in their hidden village because their work was Very Important._

 

_That incident along with made others led to everyone across the Elemental Lands to have a lot of healthy respect for the research division._

 

_A ceiling light dangled over Minato and Jiraiya’s heads as his teacher politely asked one of the standing guards if they could speak to Tobirama Senju._

 

_With a wailing creak, they were admitted into the private laboratory of the research division’s leader. In all honesty, having his teacher ask for Tobirama's advice enabled Minato to make a huge breakthrough in their fuinjutsu project. It’s what came after which brought hell into their lives._

 

_“Recently, my adorable grandson”, Tobirama casually brought up, “has taken a new interest into a provocative and gasp inspiring series. He couldn’t stop reading so he has started bringing those books with him everywhere.”_

 

_“Ah! Kakashi has such great taste! He can truly savour and appreciate such great literature”, Jiraiya exclaimed; his comment unintentionally buried both of them into early graves._

 

_“I…see. On another note, would you two like to try some new experimental seals for me?”_

 

Nothing had happened for the next few days after their visit to the headquarters for the research division. They were both deceptively lulled into a sense of false calm. Then, a whirlwind came in and swept up them in such a calamity.

 

Suddenly, Jiraiya fought hordes of worms that sprouted out of the ground while suffering from a nasty bite of diarrhoea. Tsunade and Orochimaru received a wealth of entertainment by watching their teammate get attacked by wriggly creatures during their annual three-way spar.

 

The Hokage was just boiling water for a cup of instant ramen. It was supposed to be a safe thing to do but the pot exploded in a rush of raining water and metal. The ANBU and Minato were simultaneously given heart attacks. After extensive investigation and interrogations, it was revealed that the Hokage was actually boiling ordinary water in an untampered pot. The incident would have been shrugged off if the events that followed after hadn’t happened.

…..

Itachi Uchiha instantly shut the door in the Hokage’s face. A hot steaming plate of homemade dango was heaps better company than his boss. He had already fulfilled his gopher duties today. His day involved the obliteration of the dangerous enemy aka paperwork and all the other leadership duties that the Hokage was normally too lazy to do. He did not want to know about the smoke that rose from the Hokage’s clothes and his general beaten up appearance.

 

Hmm. Could it be something potentially dangerous to Konoha?

 

“What do you want?” ordered Itachi as he ushered the Hokage inside his apartment.

 

Minato wished he still had that subordinate that patiently listened to him and respected him. He broke that fresh-eyed shinobi that used to respect him a long, long time ago. Unfortunately, that subordinate had grown up and an unhealthy obsession with dango appeared. He blamed Anko. “I just wanted to know how your day went?”

 

“You just wanted to know how my day went. Fine. I teased my brother during his training session after I finished working for my leader who’s too lazy to even appear in the Hokage tower today. I then arrived home with the full intention of binge-watching some shows for the night until the Hokage himself decided to ruin my evening.”

 

Itachi’s words were knives that pierced Minato’s heart. Tears gathered into the corners of his eyes as he let go of his (almost non-existent) pride and pleaded, “Help me. I’ve been cursed with a horrible spell by a wicked witch.”

 

“How did you manage to piss one of the most powerful men in the Elemental Lands? Also, don’t call Tobirama Senju a wicked witch.”

 

“Ahahahaha. I’ve just been accused of corrupting Kakashi’s innocent self by exposing him to inappropriate literature.”

 

One of the rare things Itachi ever did in life was breakdown due to laughter. However, the notion that Kakashi was an innocent and pure soul was a very hilarious thought indeed.

….

“So, explain to me why Fugaku and I are here?” demanded Obito.

 

“We were just doing a shift down at the police headquarters. You know, doing our jobs”, pointed out Fugaku with a snide glance at Minato.

 

“Father, I know you and Obito were just mischievously assigning officers to certain partners and cases based on how much trauma it would cause to all parties involved.”

 

“How dare you falsely accuse the head of the Uchiha clan and me of such baseless lies?” gasped Obito.

 

“I’ve seen too many reports of fights breaking out between Hyuuga and Inuzuka officers”, dryly responded Itachi. “The worst report detailed how a fight-to-the-death brawl broke out after an Inuzuka officer didn’t want to shut down a teenage party while their Hyuuga partner for the day did. A few buildings were structurally damaged as a result and people in the vicinity reported that they heard a wide range of obscene insults including ‘You should take that stick out of your -‘“

 

“That’s enough of that!” hastily interrupted Minato. “We’re experiencing a crisis here. One that could potentially bring Konoha to its knees. A terrible affliction has been placed on a poor victim by an evil spirit. We need to band together and find the cure!  That poor, hapless soul!”

 

“What the hell, sensei? Why did you piss off grandpa again?”

 

Later that day, Itachi believed that Minato would have responded to his cousin if the curse hadn’t taken effect.

 

A web of cracks swiftly spread in the window without being noticed by any occupants within the room.

 

Crash!

 

A flood of sparkling shards of glass cascaded down to the ground, cutting Minato’s arms while narrowly missing the other three occupants. Minato breathed a sigh of relief while Itachi braced himself, having learnt about the effects of the curse last night.

 

Itachi had wisely learned. There was a distressing blur of grey feathers that rushed into the office and quickly escaped to the outdoors, leaving their cringing waste everywhere.

 

Obito’s eyes were remarkably wide and his outfit was distinctively covered in bird faeces. Father looked like he was ready to jump out of the window and run screaming into the sunset. Ha. They haven’t experienced true pain yet.

 

.…

 

Kakashi spent his rare moment of free time happily spar against his parent. He had the full intention to have a lovely dinner with his father and Oro afterwards that featured the delicious bribe of a stewed eggplant dish. Yum.

 

Their parent-son bonding time was interrupted when a putrid smell entered their noses before it was followed by a Toad Sannin who tried to run away from cats that were high on catnip.

 

After a shared look of mutual confusion with his parent, Kakashi had the wonderful luck of finding a 100, 000 ryo bill on the floor. Heh heh. A ninja always takes advantage of what happens in the here and now. They decided to ignore the high-pitched squeals of a grown man and attempted to walk away from whatever had just occurred.

 

“YOU!” screamed Jiraiya as he marched forward with the determination of a hundred men.

 

“Me?” lilted Kakashi.

 

“This is all your fault, brat. Your precious grandfather wanted to punish me for your excellent taste in books. Keep it up. And _you_. Someone just had to have been adopted by one of the greatest minds that is found only in a lifetime.”

 

“Don’t drag me into whatever mess you made, Baka”, protested Orochimaru.

 

“Hahahaha!” manically laughed Jiraiya. “You don’t have a choice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tobirama has retired from active duty but he is still very much a part of Konoha’s shinobi force since he is the leader of Konoha’s research division. (Minato can’t order him to go on missions unless it’s in very dire circumstances which suits the Senju just fine). Orochimaru is very busy being a full-time mother and a shinobi so he only performs experiments as an honorary member of the research division when he has downtime.


	5. Part 2 out of 2

An enticing sweet smell greeted Mikoto and her son as they entered the cafe. They were both body-slammed by respectively Kushina and Naruto which they bore with the grace of an Uchiha and years of resistance towards those of Uzumaki blood.

 

“So how’s Itachi doing, dattebane?” Kushina inquired after the four of them placed their orders.

 

“He is quite well. He’s currently helping Minato out with a side project today”, answered Mikoto. “I think his new role gives him a challenge. He gets to make Konoha more organised by passively giving out threats to everyone. He has also found a wonderful friend in Iruka Umino.”

 

“Pfft. Really? I can’t see them being friends, dattebane. They’re too different. They only talked a bit a few years ago back when Iruka was occasionally babysitting Naruto. Although, you and I are friends even though we have vastly different personalities.”

 

“To be honest, they probably bond over the illegible handwriting of the Shinobi Force and Kakashi’s consistently late submissions of his reports”, Mikoto admitted.

 

“So, does Itachi seriously still doesn’t know that he is the successor to the Hat? I mean, everyone knows except him. Probably ‘cause Kakashi really doesn’t want to Hokage so he’s been the head of a campaign to gather supporters for your son.”

 

“According to my oblivious son, he is doing his duty of a shinobi by fulfilling some of Minato’s responsibilities. I must admit that it is simply quite hilarious. He even believes that he has to attend those weekly five-hour diplomacy lessons because he is the Uchiha heir.”

 

“This is just too painful.” Kushina paused and a wicked smirk crossed her face. “I can’t wait to see the look on his face on the day of his inauguration as Hokage, dattebane.”

 

“I’ve already pre-booked professional photographers to take pictures from every possible angle when that day comes.”

 

“You are very evil, Mikoto. Speaking of Minato, I saw him and Fugaku as well as Obito just before you arrived. They were wearing wigs as they were stuck in a cart that was barrelling down a hill. Academy students were in deadly pursuit of them at the same time for some reason.”

 

“Our husbands are useless.”

 

“I know, dattebane. You know, I didn’t think that your husband could even scream that loud. Isn’t it - what did he say - Hyuuga of him to do so?”

 

“He screams extraordinarily loud in our bed at night”, Mikoto pointed out with a smirk.

 

“Mom! No!” Sasuke yelled after looking away from his arguing bout with Naruto. The sheer notification on Sasuke’s face turned his skin ash grey.

 

“I don’t think your husband can scream louder than mine at night”, challenged Kushina.

 

“Lalalalalalala! Not hearing you, dattebayo!” screamed Naruto as he pressed his hands to his ears.

 

“Oh, I see. Would you like to bet?” smoothly questioned Mikoto.

…..

The dying sound of a puppy rose from Jiraiya’s throat. He was bathed in shadows as he was curled up underneath the overarching canopy of a tree.

 

“Get over it”, grouched Orochimaru. “You should be used to seeing someone naked. You’ve been a peeping tom ever since we were genin.”

 

“I saw skin. Lots and lots of skin”, whimpered Jiraiya. He didn’t even move from his spot even though an eel suddenly fell from the sky and electrified him.

 

“Have you finally cracked?” inquired Kakashi as he casually turned a page of Icha Icha Paradise, eager to gobble down the words on the next page.

 

“You don’t understand,” Jiraiya hissed. “I just saw Sensei and his wife doing the horizontal dance in a bush. Isn’t he supposed to be drinking tea on his front porch rather than explore his kinks? I’ve never wanted to know Sensei had kinks. You guys are so lucky that the two lovebirds shushined before you saw them.”

 

“Consider it karma”, sagely stated Kakashi.

 

Jiraiya loomed over Kakashi with the full intention of throttling him. Or at least, grab Kakashi by the shoulders and shake. Luck was not kind to Jiraiya. A flying jar filled with honey whistled through the air and smashed itself onto Jiraiya’s head.

 

Orochimaru and Kakashi wisely ignored Jiraiya’s terrified screams that erupted as he was being chased by bees and a hungry bear.

….

Tobirama and Madara cuddled each other as they were seated at the back of a carriage. The shaky motions of their transportation beckoned Tobirama to sleep. His eyes started to blink and his mind felt weighted with drowsiness.

 

“Tobi”, affectionately murmured Madara as he started stroking his husband’s hair.

 

The Senju drowsily gazed up at Madara and waited for the question to be asked.

 

“Will Konoha still be standing when we get back?” worriedly asked Madara. “I know those seals that you used on Namikaze and Sarutobi’s brat student are very unpredictable. There’s a reason why it was decided that they can’t be used in battle.”

 

“You worry too much”, sighed Tobirama. “It’s best to look forward to what’s ahead of us like our itinerary of activities to do at Whirlpool rather than the chaos that we left behind. Although, you have a point.”

 

“It’s rare for you to say that I am right. Say it again”, teased Madara.

 

“I said that you have a _point_. Those seals are highly volatile. It’s likely that the effects of those two seals will backfire on everyone involved. One will reverse the luck of anyone within a kilometre vicinity of the afflicted individual while the other will increase the bad luck of those within a ten-meter distance from the affected person. It’s a good thing that we coincidentally won’t be in Konoha at this moment. Besides, I’m certain that the current leaders of our village are very capable ninjas.”

 

“Heh. Those poor bastards.”

….

The ANBU members that protected the Hokage were placed through the shredder. Out of the corner of his eye, Itachi witnessed ANBU members kept on slipping on a range of surfaces due to banana peels, waxed floors and an unusual amount of chewed gum.

 

It was nothing compared to the circumstances that the Hokage Guard Platoon currently found themselves in. Last night (while Itachi tried to find a solution to the Hokage’s problem), Genma fell down a hole, broke some floorboards and then obtained a bunch of human ducklings who started to call him mom. There was a lot of laughter that emerged throughout the night when that happened. In comparison, Raido got hit in the face by a bunch of flying projectiles which included a baseball bat, a picture frame and a mug. Iwashi did not suffer as much as Genma and Raido. He just couldn’t handle any electrical appliances and look at himself in any reflective surfaces (even if it was just an accidental glimpse). His ‘curse’ reminded Itachi about some of the myths about vampires.

 

However, it appeared that the weirder events seem to only afflict the Hokage and his unfortunate companions. Following the bird incident, Tsume called in a favour from the Hokage which forced the four of them to be bridesmaids for an Inuzuka wedding. Itachi was hit on at least five times during the reception. Traumatically, more than 10 people started flirting with his father at the same time. His cute little brother would probably have turned green at the very notion. Somehow, later that day, giant rabbits with an appetite for human flesh were in fierce pursuit of the three Uchiha musketeers and the Hokage while they all had a dress, makeup and high heels on.

 

The four of them have probably lost other people’s respect and their self-esteem in the morning of this very troublesome day.

…..

People were surprisingly generous today. Kakashi and his parent had collected a mountain of freebies that threatened to topple over even though they had donated the earlier batch to the orphanage. For some weird reason, the two of them were given toys, food and other things for stuff like being the 1000th person to pass by the shop that day or being very cute.

 

A bunch of other strange things kept on happening when they passed by places. Life-long friends suddenly decided to do an impromptu passionate confession of their love for each other at a tea shop. They discovered that their supposed unrequited feelings had actually been quite mutual for over fifty years. A man down on his luck was hired by a scouting agent who believed that he could be a model with a little work. A fridge that fell from three stories high barely missed a pedestrian on the streets. Crowds of screaming women unexpectedly clustered around a man in sunglasses who was apparently an infamous celebrity known for work in action films. Someone gave another person the earrings that they had been searching ten years for.

 

It was very suspicious.

 

“Jiraiya, are you still behind us?” called out Orochimaru as he adjusted his pile of free things.

 

The man in question cautiously peeked out from behind a metal pole and instantly regretted it when a bird dived towards his head. Jiraiya radiated displeasure after the bird perched itself on his precious hair. The cool feeling of something (that he did not want to recognise) trickled down his face. Ugh.

….

There was a vibrant red tinge to Obito’s face. Unspoken words were communicated through his defensive stance and hostile glare towards his fiance.

 

“Uhm”, Kakashi articulately spoke as he audibly swallowed and stared at Obito’s legs.

 

“All right, Bakashi. I am wearing a dress!”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

While the two lovebirds were entangled in an argument, Jiraiya hopped towards Minato and ignored the chaffing of rope that bound his limbs together. “So”, he whispered. “Have you found out a way to fix this, my precious little student?”

 

“No”, harshly answered Minato. “I keep on getting interrupted every time I try to think up of a counterseal.”

 

“Brat, we can’t live like this. I mean, I haven’t been able to do any research all day. I am even currently ignoring the wonderful material of your two students fighting. Those two are wonderful inspiration for my yaoi series. It’s a travesty.”

 

“Maybe I should hold off my attempt to discover a cure. You reap what you sow, _ero-sanin_.”

 

“Ero-sanin? You’re using my beloved godson’s nickname for me now?”

 

“It’s a very apt description.”

 

In the background, the air shivered in suspense at the loud fizzle that erupted below the two individuals. Life did not care for trivial human arguments.

 

Through sheer happenstance, two umbrellas landed in the vicinity of Kakashi and Orochimaru from the sky. Both of the Minato and Jiraiya support groups hastily skid under the protection of the feeble umbrella. Brown liquid burst through the concrete street like a vengeful force of nature. Subsequently, Jiraiya and Minato were completely bathed in a lumpy and thick muck.

 

Minato curled his lip before he pleaded to the world, “Please tell me we’re covered in mud and not sewage.”

 

“I’d rather not lie to you”, answered Itachi in a rare salty sense of humour; his eye constantly twitching due to his current cause of stress. His hair handsomely fell out his usually immaculate ponytail which caused women to sigh even harder than normal when they see him.

 

“Ha. Ha. Ha.”

….

“So…”, drawled Madara. “I suppose Tobi’s seals were much more effective than we had thought.”

 

“Well, I suspected but I wasn’t quite certain that something like this would have happened”, contemplated Tobirama.  

 

“Please get rid of it”, gritted out the wearied Hokage as he was bundled up in a cocoon of blankets while his guards warily eyed their surroundings for any further signs of misfortune.

…

Konoha only showed a few minor scars after the escapades of the Hokage and the Toad Sanin. However, its citizens were left wide-eyed and traumatised by what they had witnessed which had only solidified their belief that shinobi are insane. Poor Itachi decided to cash-in his hoarded vacation days so he can scrub his brain and remove any horrific memories that were associated with his Hokage.


	6. Beginning of the Academy Festival arc

Naruto raced down the main pathway toward one of the newest suburbs in Konoha, unwillingly hand-in-hand with Sasuke. Villagers literally leapt out of his rampage and his hidden ANBU guard was really getting some exercise on what should normally be a funny, relaxing mission. The two of them were glaring at each other, their eyebrows furrowed and figurative arrows were being shot at the other with their laser-beam eyes.

 

In the meantime, an innocent Ino twirled around, hummed and swept the porch of the Yamanaka florist to the beat of the latest popular tune on the radio. She eyed the pile of dirt that she had gathered in absolute delight and skipped inside to retrieve a dustpan. This was the last chore that she had to do this morning and then she’d have the rest of the day to read some magazines that she’s wanted to go through for so long. Unfortunately, two racing academy students brought a gust of wind that dumped more dust onto the porch. When Ino came back outside with the dustpan, she gaped at the sight in front of her with horror.

 

Sasuke and Naruto stood in front of a simple white-painted fence that enclosed an ordinary two-bedroom home that had a spacious garden in the front with a tranquil koi pond in the back. Naruto determinedly clenched his fists, unwittingly crushing Sasuke’s hand which he held in his grip. A fire burned in Sasuke’s eyes causing him to retaliate by painfully tightening his grip on Naruto’s hand.

 

“Oi, what was that for, Teme?” accused Naruto after shrieking in pain.

 

“You were breaking my hand first, Dobe”, smirked Sasuke.

 

The ANBU guard literally hidden in the leaves of a large oak tree in front of the house sighed in resignation, hoping that they wouldn’t be punished by the Senju-Uchiha couple for not properly protecting and preventing their charge from disturbing their peace and quiet. Then again, Madara Uchiha would probably cackle in delight and invite Naruto for a prank war with a bunch of other ninjas. They were going to suffer either way, aren’t they?

 

They silently watched as Naruto dragged his friend along with him down the path and cheerfully knocked down the door. Then, they witnessed Naruto dodge the initial wave of water balloons while Sasuke was unable to, causing his dark clothes to be drenched. Their heads turned in horror when Naruto and Sasuke both tried to move out of the giant springboard, in opposite directions, which ended in them smacking right into each other. Their limbs elbowed and kicked at each other as they prepared to be catapulted in the air, flying like birds, but their momentum was stopped by a strong grip on both of their collars and a flick of a switch that turned off the traps in the yard.  

 

“Naruto? Sasuke?” asked Tobirama with a raised eyebrow and a small smile on his well-aged face, dropping the two children down in his hallway. “How are you guys? It’s been a while. Do you need anything? You two usually call ahead so we can turn off the traps for you.”

 

“Great-uncle Tobirama”, greeted Naruto, happily waving his legs and arms like a lunatic, almost harshly pulling Sasuke’s arm out of his shoulder socket. “I’ve been great. Long time no see, dattebayo.”

 

“Dobe”, groused Sasuke, pushing Naruto’s face out of the way. “Stop pulling at me or I’ll use my great fireball jutsu to burn your hand off.”

 

Tobirama flat-out stared at the firm hand-hold between Sasuke and Naruto. His eyes blinked before something inside him chuckled mischievously, eager to stir up the pot so to speak. “Naruto, have you expanded your male harem again?”, teased the Senju-Uchiha.

 

“My male what?” choked Naruto while Sasuke almost fainted in shock. “No! I know that word from Ero-sanin’s books. What do you mean again?”

 

“Well, there was that time with Gaara no Sabaku, then with Neji Hyuuga and the clan members in your class.”

 

Naruto just tilted his head in contemplation, wondering what his great-uncle was talking about.

 

Suddenly, fluffy white towels were dropped on their heads, absorbing the moisture from their water-logged clothes and skin. Sasuke could smell a hint of rosemary and thyme from the softener while Naruto was able to pick up on the fact that they’ve been washed two days prior. There was a large grin on Madara’s face as he asked, “How are my favourite prank minions? Are you here for more inspiration?”

 

“No, prank master”, seriously replied Naruto. “We’re here because of, well, Sakura’s doing…”

 

“Sakura…You mean that pink-haired trainee medic-nin that really packs a punch?”

 

The two of them opened their mouths to retort and defend their friend, soaked in the words and then closed them. Sasuke turned green at the reminder of her destructive fists.

 

“Yeah. That sums her up in a nutshell, dattebayo.” Naruto sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck and cringed, thinking about a time when she caught him talking with Ero-sanin while his father’s teacher was doing his usual peeping routine. “Basically, we pissed Sakura off during our study group while she was stressed about graduation next year. She used some paste to bind our hands together after she smashed our heads together and she won’t take it off.”

 

“We need your help to free our hands. We can’t live like this forever”, requested Sasuke.

 

“Yeah”, agreed Naruto. “I’d ask Shino and Shikamaru, dattebayo. However, they’re still traumatised by the time we saw Sakura break a desk with one punch.”

 

Madara and Tobirama exchanged a quick glance. Madara urged his husband to help with a wriggle of his eyebrows while Tobirama tilted his head, silently arguing that they should learn from the consequences of pissing off a woman. There was a victorious smirk on Madara’s face when Tobirama conceded, his stance blown away by the large puppy dog eyes and pouty faces on both Sasuke and Naruto.

 

“Fine. I’ll help”, reluctantly stated Tobirama.

 

The Senju hurried upstairs, grabbed a particular oil mixture and carefully poured it between Sasuke and Naruto’s inter-joined hands. “Now, this is the first phase to freeing your hands. You must get a list of ingredients so I can make another paste for the second step.”

 

“Eh? Why can’t you do this?” cried Naruto while Sasuke hnned in agreement.

 

“We have some adult stuff that we were in the middle of doing before you arrived”, proclaimed Madara while Tobirama face-palmed.

 

“Gross”, Naruto and Sasuke with a wince.


	7. Chapter 7

Sasuke announced while Naruto was nursing a bump from trying to play his sexy-no-jutsu on their Academy sensei, “Alright. So we have to get five ingredients that can be found in the confines of Konoha. We need a tree bark and a snowdrop from the Forest of Death, fur taken off an Inuzuka’s dog, a snowdrop, high-quality chakra paper and ink (cause prank sensei is so cheap that he doesn’t want to use some of his own for us).”

 

Iruka hummed, “Well. I suppose I’ll have to accompany you to the Forest of Death. It’s dangerous for you children to go by yourselves. Funny thing is that when I saw you two earlier, I thought that you had gotten Sasuke in your thrall, Naruto.”

 

Naruto complained, “Why do you adults keep on saying that?”

 

“Well. Don’t you remember how you held Gaara’s hand and declared him to be your wife to anyone that would listen a few years ago? You even forced your father and his father to pretend marry you guys. For the rest of that diplomatic visit, Gaara followed you around, wearing a white veil, while carrying that teddy bear of his. Kankuro was so mad, saying that you corrupted his little brother, while Temari was so happy for the two of you.”

 

“That happened? I don’t remember that. It’s weird though. Gaara has a crush on Rock Lee...I shouldn’t have said that. It’s a secret. Aw, man. Gaara’s going to kill me.”

…..

The chime of a bell on top of their doorway echoed throughout the empty hall. Tenten, hands crossed underneath her chin and eyes glazed as she daydreamed, immediately perked up and waved her infamous juniors over to the counter. “Hey, Naruto, Sasuke. How are you? What brings you guys here?”

 

“It’s nice to see you, Tenten”, formally replied Sasuke. “We’re here for some top-grade chakra paper and ink.”

 

“Huh. Well, it’s good that you guys came along at this sort of time. Our shop’s almost out. A bunch of our Jonin customers want to beef up security and take more missions.”

 

“So they can attend the Academy’s cultural festival, right?” declared Naruto. “By the way, what’s your class doing?”

 

“Nothing special, actually. We’ve decided to do a host club. There’s an entrance fee and we’ve even planned the menu. I’m going to be behind the scenes, preparing all the food and drinks while Neji and Rock Lee are dealing with the guests.”

 

“Ugh. That sounds so fun. Our class has no idea what we want to do.”

 

“It’s in two weeks’ time though!” exclaimed Tenten before she pointedly glanced down at her friend’s inner-joined hands. She knew that Sasuke was not a very touchy-feely person despite having Naruto as a friend and even before his ‘ew-girls-have-cooties’ phase that thankfully passed a while back. “Uhm...I don’t want to draw too much attention but have you gotten a boyfriend?”

 

“What? No!” shouted Naruto and Sasuke.

 

“Hehehe. Just asking ‘cause Neji told me about the time you saw him after he was bullied by some of his classmates. Apparently, you dragged him to your home, dabbed his tears away, bandaged his wounds and said that a very pretty girl shouldn’t cry. Don’t worry. Neji’s ashamed of what happened as well. He had the _best_ embarrassed expression on his face when he told me.”

 

“Dobe, you’re very smooth”, uttered Sasuke. “At this point, I’m wondering if you conspired with Sakura to chain me to you.”

 

“It’s not like that, Teme!” replied Naruto, a furious blush colouring his face a tomato red.

 

“Sure, it isn’t”, incredulously replied Tenten. “Here are the supplies that you wanted.”

…..

A large grumble, loud enough to create earthquakes, emerged from Naruto’s stomach, making him clutch his belly and whine, “Teme, I’m hungry and tired. Look, Ichiraku Ramen is literally just there. It’s lunchtime now.”

 

“No”, replied Sasuke. “Let’s eat at this barbeque place. Choji recommended it to me a while ago.”

 

A sad puppy-dog expression was plastered on Naruto’s face as they entered the restaurant and met the happy greeting of the waitress which turned into an overjoyed expression with a perked up ears and a fluffy tail when he saw Choji. Naruto rushed over to his friends, pulling Sasuke along with him.

 

“Hey, you guys. What’s up?” asked Choji, chewing on a piece of barbequed beef. “Join me. I’ll order some more meat. You just missed Shikamaru and Ino.”

 

Sasuke and Naruto slid into a seat opposite their classmate while Choji called over a waitress and ordered some more meat. The sizzle of the meat and a delicious savoury aroma wafted toward them causing Sasuke’s stomach to start rumbling like a powerful tiger. Drool dripped out of Naruto’s mouth, wide-open to the extent of almost allowing a buzzing fly to enter his mouth.

 

“We’re good, Choji”, answered Sasuke. “I hope we’re not imposing.”

 

“Nah. Not at all. Barbeque meat always tastes better when eating with company. I’m not imposing, right? I mean, you two have a firm grip on each other’s hands. I thought you had a thing with Kiba, Naruto.”

 

“Eh?!? Dog Breath, dattebayo? Hell, no! This hand-holding thing is just ‘cause of Sakura.”

 

A memory stirred in Sasuke’s mind, his brain offering it to him on a silver platter. He stiffened. “Dobe, you called Kiba a pack member when you’re not a member of his clan, which in Inuzuka-terms basically means you made a marriage vow towards him. He was stuttering and blushing like Hinata everytime he talked to you for the two years after that. Can’t believe I forgot.”

….

“Now, Tobirama, the fairy godmother shall now cast a spell on you two to turn you back from frogs into your human forms”, dramatically proclaimed Madara, looking into the lightbulb in their living room. He really should change that lightbulb. Its brightness keeps on going up and down like the quality of Minato’s leadership. Nah. The lightbulb is more reliable.

 

“We’re already human”, answered Sasuke, ignoring the tingly sensation on the skin that was in contact with that of Naruto’s which he felt after applying the ointment that the honourable Tobirama Senju-Uchiha gave to him. “I am at least. I’m not sure about Naruto. I once saw him eat an entire pig once.”

 

“It’s the Uzumaki blood in him. I’ve seen Mito eat a lot more than a measly pig. It was horrifying and apparently stimulating for my brother which I’ve never wanted to know. Ahem”, coughed Tobirama, placing some biscuits and cookies in front of Naruto and Sasuke. “Your hands should be free now and you should have learnt from today that you should never piss girls off, at any age, ‘cause they’re scary.”

 

He shivered, thinking about the time when Toka was so angry by the sexual frustration between him and Madara. He was never able to eat toffee apples without feeling a pain in his abdomen after that day.

 

Incredulously, Naruto and Sasuke released their grip off each other. Naruto whooped, glistening tears falling down his face while he thanked every deity up there for freeing him from this torture. While he started noisily blowing and wiping his snot on the sleeve of his signature orange jacket, Sasuke just blinked. The Uchiha realised that one day he needs to find a girl (or boy, not judging) for his friend otherwise he’d wake up married in bed with Naruto.

 

 _I’d want to marry someone other than Naruto. Seriously though_ , he thought. _It’s Naruto._

 

Unbeknownst to Sasuke, Itachi Uchiha was well-ahead of his little brother and had a master plan set to match-make Naruto with the Hyuuga heiress. He had a cork board covered with his plans in his room and Shisui would claim that Itachi would creepily add to it every week.

 

He did not.

 

He revised the plans every day in accordance with any changes as a good ninja should. He will not be related to the Hokage. He refused to think of the possibility and also how his mother had already arranged for a dowry to be given to Kushina when the wedding preparations started.

 

**Omake:**

“Great-uncle said something weird today”, Naruto casually mentioned, still pale in that slightly traumatised way, blowing on a spoon filled with steaming hot salty broth. “When he saw me hand-in-hand with Sasuke, cause Sakura glued our hands together, he asked if I expanded my male harem.”

 

Kushina perked up, an imaginary tail wagging behind her and her eyes glittering with glee. Tears starting streaking down Minato’s face as he laid his cheek on the bench of Ichiraku. The old man choked on his own spit while Ayame squealed.

 

Eyes curved into crescent moons, Kushina chuckled, “Well, I suppose you take after your father in that way. He was always surrounded by those in his harem. I often saw Shikaku guarding Minato’s back since he became chunin.”

 

“It’s not like that!” exclaimed Minato. “What I have between my friends and me are purely platonic.”

 

“I know, honey”, soothed Kushina. “I was just teasing you.”

 

“Dad”, hissed Shikamaru after they passed the Hokage and his family eating at Ichiraku Ramen. “Is that true? Are you really part of the Hokage’s harem?”

 

Shikaku groaned, hand itching for a glass of sake. “Don’t tell Yoshino but technically kinda?” He saw his son’s disgusted expression and the way he palmed his academy kunai before the man rushed to explain, “I mean, the other main clan leaders are also part of his harem. Wait. I don’t mean it like that! He was just so pretty, talked very persuasively and his hair glowed like the sun so we kinda followed him since a long time ago. No. That doesn’t sound any much better. So troublesome.”

 

He chased his son down in order to properly elaborate on the truth, not noticing an unknown figure hiding in the alleyway that had heard the entire conversation by the Namikazes and the Naras.

 

The next day, the newspapers and magazine tabloids were plastered with large bold letters that divulged the filthy scandalous affair that the leaders of Konoha were involved in. Minato had to do a lot of overtime, trying to smooth over the ruffled feathers of concerned citizens and fix his reputation in the eyes of the public. Most of the clan leaders had taken to glaring every time they came into contact with Shikaku Nara for the next few days, each nursing a loving bump from their wives. Since then on, the Hokage always needed to have a high-ranking aide present in what was supposed to be one-on-one meetings with his Jonin Commander.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit late but Happy New Year! It's 2019 already.

Minato Namikaze twisted his body, like an eel, as he used his handy frypan to toss stir-fried noodles. The hiss and sizzle caused by his movements brought about a whiff of air that satisfactorily made his stomach whimper for food. In the background, Naruto jabbered about random stuff at a speed that is quicker than the fastest messenger hawk. (It is important to note that it is a requirement that every ANBU on Hokage protection duty has to have a full stomach during mealtimes. They all remember the embarrassing incident when a greenhorn ANBU literally crashed through the ceiling when their fearsome village leader was making a wholesome soup.)

The Hokage’s strong arms, carved out of years of training, bulged and gave a hint as to why the very mention of his name spread fear and awe in people’s hearts. Despite the way that his pink apron fluttered as he moved, people still respected him. Probably. Possibly those who lived in other lands and never met him.

Kushina joked, “Honey, this outfit is the reason why people call you the housewife Hokage. Hey, kiddo. How are your preparations for the Cultural Festival?”

“You gave me this”, deadpanned Minato. “Besides, the leaders of the other major Ninja villages were given horrible labels such as the first Tsuchikage was known as the rock star because of his atrocious use of puns and the first Hokage who was termed - “

“Mom, it’s going great”, interrupted Naruto, already sick of hearing his father talk about the past again. He already got enough from his adopted big brother Iruka. “Our class has decided to perform a play. We’ll be charging an entry fee with snacks and drinks provided for a little extra money.”

“That sounds wicked. I’m sure it’ll be a success”, exclaimed Kushina.

The two energetic members in the room ignored the genjutsu that was cast by their beloved family member which made it seem as though thunderclouds formed in the room. They also ignored how Minato started whimpering and showing puppy-dog eyes that begged for attention. Lurking outside, the Hokage Platoon Guard disregarded the Namikaze’s antics as well, already used to this scene, and instead focused on their surroundings.

….

Thick noodles, floating in rich thick broth, sparkled underneath the artificial light above Kakashi. He cautiously prodded the new threat with his chopsticks, then quickly eye-smiled at his husband, pulled down his mask and started on the meal in front of him. He was already quickly apologising to his protesting body as he ate. There was a reason why Obito was allowed to cook two times a week for the two of them. At least, after the last time Kakashi consumed his husband’s food, cramps plagued his stomach for just two hours. He was finally getting used to Obito’s own brand of cooking. To think that when he first ingested Obito’s food, he landed in the hospital.

Obito was simultaneously eating and watching him with keen eyes. Oh, boy. What has he put into their food this time? One day, his husband’s going to cook Kisame just because his appearance resembles a fish. Kakashi still remembered when an overprotective Obito idly threatened to skewer Kisame.

“So what’s the new spin that you’ve put on this dish?” asked Kakashi.

“Guess.”

“Honey instead of sugar?”

“Close enough. I used a poison that tastes sweet on the tongue. Don’t worry. I checked to see whether you’re immune to it and I’ve also put the antidote in the dish as well.”

Kakashi blinked and then drained the bowl of soup. “It tastes nice but I’d rather you don’t put poison in our food.” He had wondered why he covered the Hokage mountain in purple paint with Naruto last week and the reason behind his pack refusing to eat Obito’s food.

“Please. Anko does it all the time. Ah. I guess I shouldn’t have said that. Anko hates being predictable. Do you still remember how someone in our class accused her of doing that? She ran off the rails by attempting to poison the Sanin during that year’s Cultural Festival which worked in her favour, I guess since she soon found herself apprenticed to Orochimaru.”

“She’s not necessarily sane. Although, ninjas rarely are. Since we’re on the topic, are you going to the cultural festival this year? Rin mentioned that I should try to convince you to search for some fresh academy talent.”

“Even stepping foot on the Academy grounds still gives me shivers. I can’t even stomach attending the cultural festival. You remember what happened during our last festival, right?”

“I still remember the consequences. You clucked and squawked for weeks after they reversed the animal transformation jutsu that you accidentally cast on yourself”, amusedly teased Kakashi.

“Eh. How about you? Are you going to be attending a play and see a prodigy breathe life into their role, envisioning a spy in the making? Or will you visit a haunted house and imagine a future torturer?”

“Maybe. If I’m not busy, then I’ll be there.”

….

  
Madara was walking down the streets of Konoha, headed towards his husband’s office to take advantage of his unanticipated free day. He had such incredible luck as it was the school academy festival today. It was such a pity that Izuna was coincidentally saddled with the duty of interacting with the diplomats in exchange. The birds are flying under the radiant rays of the sun, the Uchiha policemen are off terrorising civilians and ninja alike while looking devilishly cool and Namikaze was sobbing from being burdened by the weight of paperwork. Everything was perfectly fine except for one little problem that he kept on seeing in his peripheral vision. What happened to the days when the Hyuuga and the Uchiha clans hated each other?

The mini stalker had good camouflage skills as they utilised the shadows and their surroundings. Madara sighed and shushined behind Neji, startling the tag-along.

“What’s up, kid?” asked Madara, remembering that the twins’ interest in Minato and Hinata’s fascination with Naruto. Maybe stalking runs in the Hyuuga clan. It must be something to do with their Kekkei Genkai. They must be too used to looking through the shower walls of their vict - beloved. The treaty that Hashirama and he had made towards the Hyuuga clan, in compensation for the latter’s loyalty, included the stipulation that all Hyuugas were exempt from being arrested for intensely following their chosen one. Strangely enough, Madara had thought that the Hyuugas were talking about the one that they wanted to take revenge against while Hashirama had believed that the treaty was intended to be about their chosen best friend.

The former Uchiha clan leader saw Neji clench his fists and scrunch up his face. “I need your help”, pleaded Neji. “I failed to separate Lee from this weird Jonin that likes to wear a green jumpsuit and orange leg warmers. Now, it’s too late and I’m going to see that Jonin at our class cafe during the Cultural Festival. Save me.”

Madara raised an eyebrow. He doesn’t find any fault with Gai as the taijutsu master is a good companion for his grandchild. Gai would always team up with Obito to admit an injured Kakashi to the hospital. Gai would happily nurse him back to health even while his grandchild is crying inwardly and externally. It can be said that one can have an overexposure to Gai.

“What have you done so far about your problem?”

“Ha. Ha. Ha. I’ve made voodoo dolls that resemble Gai, created spells, summoning circles for spirits and demons. Unfortunately, they’ve all failed though. I pierced a Gai-doll through the shoulder with a needle and nothing happened.”

“Wait. Is that why I’ve heard (through the ninja grapevine) that Hinata is absolutely terrified of you? She had apparently heard cackling at night time in your room that has only been lit by candlelight for the past few days.”

“Ms Kurenai talks too much sometimes”, sighed Neji. “Seriously though, Gai will probably chase away our other customers with his talk of youth which would make my Father and Uncle become unimpressed with my class.”


	9. Chapter 9

Tobirama sighed, dragging his hand over his face as the mid-morning light shone brightly over the Academy and pierced his eyes. At least he doesn’t have any dire paperwork on his desk so he had the luxury of going to the Festival but still, late nighters are horrible. His fatigue and tiredness made his iris more of fierce blood rose rather than ruby gems. Children were already rudely pointing at him and talking to their shushing parents about his exotic looks. The Academy courtyard was littered with stalls and ear-piercing laughter was as prominent as the smiles that were easily given today.

Having proposed its existence, Tobirama was well-aware of how important the Academy Cultural Festival is. It was designed to please the civilians and also enable the ninjas to enjoy peacetime activities. Plus, it was a great way to get amazing blackmail material. He still remembered how his students were forced into doing a circus act and Danzo ended up being a clown, complete with face paint and a fake red nose. On the rare occasions when Danzo caused a little bit of trouble for Hiruzen, a certain picture featuring a particular dressed-up individual would appear.

Yawning, he asked Madara, “So what do you want to do today? Watch Naruto’s play with Oro and Namikaze?”

There was a Cheshire-Cat grin on his husband’s face that flashed sharp canines that spoke danger. “Let’s find all the foreign ninjas here and then mess around with them.”

  
….

Zabuza was stomping around with his apprentice. They were peaking in and out of the booths, stalls and events. They almost looked like a father and son duo if one ignored the way Haku scribbled eyed the Academy students and wrote down observations in a book. They were running away from an awkward situation. For some reason, Yagura saw a poster in the hallway with treacherous words which Kisame instantly ripped off and slashed in half. It was a poster that stood out like a sore thumb which had caused people to trip over their own feet with blushing red faces and bleeding noses. Unfortunately, the Iwa-nin all started grimacing when their Mizukage then started asking about lolitas and goths.

Now, Zabuza was tasked by Ao to find a way to educate their Mizukage. Ugh. If he couldn’t find Kakashi or Jiraiya, then he’d need to an Icha Icha book. Preferably a clean and new copy.

The legendary swordsman turned his head around, then glanced around, wondering where Haku disappeared to. 

….

  
Tobirama huffed. Amazingly, Madara’s plan to mess with the Mizukage worked.

However, Madara almost blew away their cover when a mystery event caught his eye and his hair spiked up. Tobirama had to physically pull him away and coax his husband’s hair to flatten back under his red-head wig. Sometimes, Madara’s hair had some kind of sentience which worked in most cases until it gets bored and starts juggling pots in the middle of a mission. Actually, it is likely that it was one of his own prototype seals which had caused that. Huh. Who would have thought?

He currently had a firm grip on his husband’s arm to prevent Madara from getting lost as they were strolling around the corridors. Ah ha! There are some wonderful victims from Suna right over there. Hmm. The Kazekage and his wife are in the middle of that entourage. It would only take a few seconds for Madara to set up a lovely trap without destroying anything in their web full of pre-made pranks. The Academy is a giant booby trap and the chaos would be absolutely destructive once their hellish pranks are unleashed on unsuspecting people. Today will be such a treat. They’ve never had the opportunity to attend together for a few years now.

The Senju was keeping a careful watch as Madara rigged a device inside a janitor’s closet. In the distance, cries of surprise and screams rang out, along with a clang from thrown kunai, as their paint trap was triggered and the group of Suna ninja were slathered with noodles, fake insects and paint. It was a horrible and icky thing to be covered in. He knew from first-hand experience when the Senju-Uchiha couple had their first major fight. Konoha was never the same after that and Hashirama was so mad because he was forced to deal with all the complaints. Tobirama idly wondered where the Kazekage’s children were.

“Ah! I mean, ahem, salutations Senju-Uchihas”, Jiraiya greeted with a half-hearted salute.

Tobirama glanced toward Jiraiya and a gentle smile greeted his lips as he stared at his grand-niece. Ah. Madara was right. They really are getting old now. It is such a pleasure and a change from their times. It’s so nice to be able to grow old with his spouse and live in peace while causing chaos for his fellow ninja. Tobirama spread his arms wide and hugged his niece, lifting her off the ground as she giggled like she did as a child whenever he did this. It’s a good thing that he is still strong enough to lift her up.

“Uncle, let me down. I’m not a child anymore”, she fake-complained while she was grinning widely, causing a sunny warmth to grace the area.

“Yes. She’s certainly not a child anymore”, Jiraiya agreed as blood dripped from his nose and he leered at his niece’s cleavage.

His niece was married to Dan and happily at that! Tobirama let his niece down. He then cracked his knuckles and a vein started to pop out on his forehead. Suddenly, Tobirama was pushed back into Madara’s chest and they both took a few steps back while Tsunade leapt away. The trap that Madara was setting up had sprung in a glorious explosion of feathers. When the air became clear, it was revealed that Jiraiya was covered in feathers that were stuck to him with glue. Tobirama was well-aware that Jiraiya would only be able to squawk for the next few days and the glue would only wash away after another day. Heh. It was such a pity that they were only setting up a weak prank in the closet.

“Whups”, Madara deadpanned. “I have no idea how that happened.”

Tsunade bent over and roared with laughter. Tobirama was chuckling which he tried to muffle by covering his mouth with his fist.

Jiraiya squawked in protest.

Tobirama grabbed his husband’s hand and squeezed it in a way to wordlessly thank him. The two of them accompanied by a still-chortling Tsunade and an offended Jiraiya approached the next Janitor closet. After Madara opened it wide so they can set up the next prank, the smile on Tobirama’s face disappeared and his mouth opened wide in shock. Madara had his hand on his chest with his eyes wide and a scandalised look on his face. Tsunade remained professional and merely blinked. She seemed used to this kind of sight. Jiraiya briefly covered his eyes instinctively before he relaxed and began to take notes. They should really do something about that. He wondered how Hiruzen’s inner pervert infected his student.

In front of them, Orochimaru was clutching at and had his legs wrapped around Sakumo. Their son and son-in-law were frozen in place like they were stuck in ice. Orochimaru’s lips were puffy and swollen while every part of his bared skin, particularly his neck, were covered in hickeys. He looked absolutely debauched. Sakumo’s hair was unruly like someone was pulling and grabbing at it while his lips were similarly red and swollen with his eyes dilated. Don’t even get Tobirama started on the lower half of the two people in the closet. The Senju-Uchiha closed his eyes. Just because he intellectually knew what was going on does not mean that he wants to see it in his face. The next few family dinners and get-togethers will be so awkward.

A loud, resounding sound echoed in the corridor when a shining blade was drawn. Madara’s nostrils were flaring and his hair was rising in the air, writhing with anger. A dark look was in his eyes which made Tobirama deliciously shiver. Because his husband’s Gunbai was too obvious and unnecessary for this event, Madara had only brought a deadly sharpened tanto.

“Son”, Madara growled. “I must defend your honour.”

Orochimaru groaned in frustration as he face-palmed. It had been years since this had happened. He thought his Daddy had gotten any protective urges out of his system. Sakumo pecked his beloved’s cheek as a farewell gesture which infuriated Madara even more and caused the flames surrounding him to grow to a raging inferno. The Hatake took the hint and started fleeing with a tremendous speed, pushing his limbs to the limit. Sakumo was now in a deadly race to protect his life and family jewels away from Madara.

“I’m almost fifty. I shouldn’t be treated in this way”, Orochimaru lamented. Tsunade just pats his shoulder in commiseration before she excused herself to gamble in the class running tabletop games. Tobirama sighed at how Hashirama’s unfortunate habit clearly showed in his granddaughter. Jiraiya, however, had disappeared to presumably peep on some unfortunate people looking around at the Festival.

Tobirama supposed that he and Orochimaru should chase after their respective spouses. He can still hear Madara screaming in the distance with his tanto in his hand and racing after a sweating and terrified Sakumo.

…..

  
The dusty wind ruffled the colourful flags that proudly advertised the various events in the Academy. Various students of the middle grades and their senseis ran the rows of tents, its cloth white as an angel’s pure wings, that occupied the Academy courtyard.

Each stall sold something appealing - whether it is jewellery that glistened under the rays of the sun, mouthwatering food that melts in your mouth, drinks that perfectly quench one’s thirst, weapons or the overall ninja favourite which is weapons sharpening. Kakashi found it very tedious to have to sharpen your 500+ weapons. He also employed the use of the sharpening tent every year out of laziness. It cost more to hire Genin to sharpen his weapons (and they often complained throughout their mission). It’s so sad that Sensei wouldn’t give his broke students a mission discount. Kakashi mock-wiped a tear from his eye at the thought before his stomach grumbled when sizzling sounds and he caught a whiff of something delicious. He snapped his head and his husband was standing there, carrying a plate of curry rice and some skewers. Obito’s bright smile healed something in his tortured soul. Something inside must felt unsettled at being in a crowd of such size as himself without any disguise. Kakashi eye-smiled and thanked his husband for the curry rice. He was such a lucky man.

“Hold on”, Obito ordered as he rummaged through his jonin vest with a skewer in his mouth. He cheered when he found whatever he was searching for and poured a dangerously potent red substance all over the mild curry rice. There was a label on the shaker which had a terrifying skull and the word ‘danger’ on it.

Ah. That was the catch.

Kakashi inwardly winced, made eye contact with the medic-nin on duty (who responded with a thumbs up and was one of Rin’s slave/student so he knew about the jonin’s situation with his spouse) and took a tentative bite to eat. His mouth exploded with pain. Kakashi felt his lips swell up and the taste buds on his tongue weep as they burned with the fires of hell. Kakashi’s eyes teared up and he was about to admit defeat but he just saw the excited sparkling look on his husband’s face. His mouth felt dead as he continued to plough through the intense fiery food.

Afterwards, his soul exited out of his body for a few moments but it jumped back inside when a glass of icy cold water was placed against his cheek. His husband gave him a glass of water with an innocent grin and proudly crowed, “You enjoyed the special ingredient, didn’t you? I was thinking that the curry here was too mild and so, I decided to use Gai’s flames-of-Springtime spice paste. Maybe it was too strong for you though. I’ll add a smaller amount next time. It’s a good thing that I didn’t use Gai’s ultra-flames-of-Springtime spice paste.”

With a blink, Kakashi thought that he was very lucky that he didn’t cry tears of blood and he solemnly vowed to throttle Gai very badly in their next competition. Gai, you traitor.

…..

Gaara was positively radiating excitement to the point of sparkles floating in the air around his expressionless face. His eyes were glowing as his siblings and himself were headed straight for a particular classroom in the academy. When he slid open the door after taking a moment to compose himself, Rock Lee beamed at the trio. The sunlight that reflected off his teeth blinded the older siblings while it seemed to have refreshed Gaara. The two of them both started immediately chatting while Gaara leaned closer towards Rock Lee.

Needless to say, Kankuro did not approve. He defensively crossed his arms and exchanged a nod with Neji Hyuuga while Temari greeted Tenten. He already had to deal with Naruto ever since Gaara was a baby and just learned to hold his head. Fortunately, nothing of great significance had come out of the relationship between the sons of the Hokage and the Kazekage yet. According to rumours, Naruto has now devoted his attention to the youngest son of the Uchiha Head and the rest of his class.

Phew. It was quite beneficial to become acquaintances with Hana even though their first meeting with each other was quite disastrous. It wasn’t his fault that their parents had organised a marriage meeting between them that was very successful to the point of leading them to become engaged which enraged them so they conspired to get unengaged. She was very pretty though. A gentle breeze flittered through her groomed hair, the loose earrings and kimono that showed off her breathtaking figure. No! Those thoughts paved the way to disaster. She was a hellion when she opened her mouth when they were left alone in that time and shattered the image like a jackhammer hitting the glass. He couldn’t believe that he had blushed for a few brief moments.

Anyway, it was better for them to be friends rather than being forced into a romantic relationship with each other. At least as friends, Kankuro was able to obtain information (not gossip) about their peers from Hana. They were both still young and before they agreed to be friends, Hana tortured him. It wasn’t just wrestling and ninja training. She was giving her sister ideas on how to ‘peacefully’ deal with men particularly one’s future spouse. Ah. Speaking of which, wouldn’t Hana be walking around somewhere? He briefly remembered that her sibling was in Naruto’s class. Kankuro immediately started warily looking around. He would need to separate and prevent any meetings between Hana and Temari. If he failed, he would be subjected to following them around and carrying their bags of shopping. He shivered. He still remembered when the two demon girls first decided that they needed to restock their kunai supplies. They ended almost buying out the entire store.

Ah! Kankuro stared as Rock Lee pulled out a chair for Gaara. The Konoha Academy student then handed his little brother a menu and their hands brushed. Stop that, you giant oblivious guy! Gaara will get the wrong idea….Is that a blush? Some part of Kankuro really wanted to laugh hysterically while a larger part of him wanted to play the overprotective brother and pull Rock Lee off Gaara before wrapping his younger sibling in bubble wrap. Sheesh. He wondered if Temari felt this sense of protectiveness. He flinched when he noticed her scary aura and glare at Rock Lee that briefly appeared before she calmed down and cheerfully smiled while palming her large fan. So despite feeling some fondness of Rock Lee, she didn’t approve. Kankuro pulled out his own chair and leaned back. Everything was right in the world.

Unbeknownst to Kankuro, Temari was annoyed at this buzzing fly that kept on circling her head. It prevented her from truly appreciating her conversation with Tenten about the best and most effective way to poison one’s kunai as apparently there was a certain technique to use.

….

Everything was not right with the world. Neji used all of his breeding and clan training to prevent him from sighing and emitting a dejected aura in the corner of his classroom. After the Kazekage children have been seated, the weird Konoha ninja had appeared in a literal whirlwind of leaves. Neji was crouched down and sulking in the makeshift food preparation area. His earlier thought that perhaps Gai had forgotten about Rock Lee must have jinxed them. Tenten’s face was stuck in a grin and her cheek was twitching. Gai was in a corner table and conversing with Rock Lee while Gaara was glaring at the two of them. Temari was just lightly fanning herself and enjoying the show while Kankuro was pretending that he doesn’t know anyone in the room at this moment.

The jonin was showering the area with illusional flowers and stars. Oh. There is that sunset genjutsu. There is that crying of manly tears and the climactic hug. There go some of the patrons who are running away. Their class hasn’t drained them of their money yet with their puppy dog eyes and cuteness. They have a bet with another class on who can make the most money. Shucks. It’s such a shame that there is a rule which prevents them from threatening people into spending money and coming into their classroom. Well. At least the rest of their patrons are stuck in their seats with wide eyes and a horrified look on their face as Gai starts his speech on the Springtime of Youth and how to youthfully serve customers. It’s a good thing that Lee doesn’t have a notepad on him at this moment. Ah. Their class teacher is fleeing away now under an obviously fake pretence. A portion of their class is chasing after their teacher now with a dangerous glint in their eyes and kunai in their hands.

Suddenly, a horrible thought occurred to Neji. What if Gai wanted to infect Rock Lee with his Gai-ness? Every Jonin must at least take a genin under their wing. Oh my gosh. Neji wanted to tremble at the idea of having two terror-inspiring Konoha ninjas wearing a green jumpsuit and orange leg warmers. Perhaps Neji can flee to Suna now. He’s not a ninja yet so he obviously can’t be a missing ninja. Heh. He’s so smart. Suddenly, a hand firmly grasped Neji’s shoulder, causing him to jump. Tenten was staring at Neji and preventing him from escaping. She successfully conveyed without words that he was not allowed to escape without her. Well. Tough luck. Imagine if Gai obtained the genin team that Rock Lee was on. Look, if that happened, Neji would be on that team because he would be the Rookie of the Year while Rock Lee would be the dead last and Tenten would be the best scoring Kunoichi.

Neji gasped in the way of the Hyuuga. That is, he audibly exhaled and his mouth opened wide for a moment. “What if Gai is our assigned jonin leader, Tenten?”

Tenten slammed the last nail on the coffin. “You just realised that now?” she dryly responded. “He’s been scouting Lee for a long time already and with our grades, we’re just along for the ride.”

“No. I refuse. We have to kill Gai.”

“Don’t over-exaggerate even though it is in your nature with all your talk about destiny and fate. Maybe poison him?”

“Will that work?” Neji dubiously responded. Gai is a jonin after all.

“Dang it. I don’t have the super lethal poisons at my disposal yet. Actually, I’ve heard that there is this bad-ass Kunoichi called Anko who can -”

“Let’s not go that way”, Neji interjected. He was well-aware of who Anko is. She is a ninja-friend of his father and she is not very sane at all. Apparently, his father trained her whenever Orochimaru had a mission and she became his taijutsu pupil when she reached chunin. Thankfully, she never babysat him. Oh no. What if she is scouting for minions here? That is another obstacle that he needs to overcome in order to survive the Academy Festival. “We can, uh, traumatise Gai with talking. He won’t ever take us as his students after that.”

“Talking. We can traumatise Gai with talking. He traumatises us with talking! Sometimes, he doesn’t need to talk to do so.”

“Talking of…”, Neji trailed off and his mind flashed back to the rumours regarding Shikaku Nara and the Hokage. “...harems!”

“What.”


End file.
